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sometimes when im lying next to hime at night,

i still roll over and wonder about you

i wander

my own head to rid you of my thoughts

but you always manage to get back in

 

i think of you when i catch his eyes on another soul

thats more aesthetically  appealing than i am

and i think about how you never saw me for my looks

but my soul

your eyes never ventured when we hit a crowded room

or even when you opened up a social media screen

 

you always complimented my vibes

before you complimented the way i wore my hair that day

or if i decided to wear make up

you never hit me in spite

you could always control yourself

and thats what i always think about when i lay next to him every night

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I’m sliding my heels on for a Saturday night in town, wondering how I got to this point

Letting men in

And not feeling a thing

I wanted you for so long.

And when our lease is up in 60 days.

My heart tells me I’ll never see you again, so I might as well start by saying goodbye

Now

inspiration, love, marriage, Personal growth, poetry, relationships, Self-help, spirituality, Uncategorized

2/15

Slavik: I love the way your hair creates these tight, spirally curls. 

And the way your cheeks flush in crimson red whenever I compliment you. Your smile is gorgeous.

All these years you were out, here. And I? Completely clueless.

I love the way you smell, the way you walk and talk. You’re graceful.

I jumped in my car and was headed back to Greenville whenever I realized.

That I was madly in love with Slavik.

With an hour drive back & my head throbbing, I pushed down 85.

My stomach was turning.

I knew I was moving on.

Finally.

And then, my cell rings.

Unsaved number I deleted purposefully months ago.

Mari. What the fuck? You fucking slut. Of course that piece of shit Russian guy has more to offer than I do, right? 

This is the last the time I’m doing this shit. I hope he makes you happier than I ever did. Oh I bet you love his Mercedes Benz don’t you. He calls you every fucking night, huh? Well guess what? I’ve met some girls. I don’t have time for you. I have too much shows booked and music to be working on. I don’t need a piece of shit girl in my life. They always warned me about woman. Fuck you. I’m blocking your number, I hope I never see you again, slut. FUCK MAN. I CANT BELIEVE YOU MARI!!! WHAT THE FUCK! 

It hits home & im back at point A.

All those nights he’d leave me & lie about being at parties swarmed with bitches, then shout at me for being unsupportive when he sobered up. Weeks on weeks of no calls, no texts. After all those bruises. All the frustrations and long nights with soaked pillows because of other girls.

It was like living it all over again. Vividly.

Except this time, I had no more tears to shed.

~

The weekdays then flew by when I woke up alone in bed on Monday.

~

Sunday came around & I was back on the road by 7am.

I’ve got HearttoHeart blasting from my speakers when I get on the main road towards his house.

I loved going to his town. It was so green and everyone was friendly.

Refreshing.

It was nice to get out of the city for once.
We ate breakfast at stax & laughed hysterically the whole time we were there. 

2 hours later, we’re cruising up the mountain towards Asheville, & the wind’s blowing my hair while he drives. And he drives. And drives.

He looks over at me with those green eyes of his & speaks to me in Russian. I reply in Spanish & we’re both

Puzzled.

We’ve done some shopping, & have ate lunch.

It’s 90 degrees out and we’re climbing stairs to get to the top of chimney rock.

By the time we’re up, we’re breathless.

I think this is going to be amazing.

You. Me.

He kisses my lips. And. I. Let. Him. 

 

Night time caught us and I wish I could stay.

Stay in his arms all night. And hear all the wonders he’d whisper in my ears.

But I was afraid I wouldn’t want to leave whenever the sun rose.

And I didn’t want to be afraid because then I’d have a reason to stay.

~

Monday’s after work consisted of showering, eating and crashing.

But this Monday, he’d be coming over to Greenville, for a change, as much as he hated the traffic here.
I threw a black dress on and paired it with some sleek, nude heels.

The look on his face whenever I opened the door at my parents, let me knew he was in awe.

Through dinner, my food went untouched.

He was gorgeous. I couldn’t look away.

He reached my hand over the table and kissed it.

You don’t even know what I’m thinking.

We went to the bridge. 

I took him all in. His smile, his eyes and his hair. His rough, masculine hands and arms. His thick Russian accent. Him.

We talked.

About our goals & dreams. Our parents, & jobs. Cars.

Oh yes, he loved cars. Anything German, specifically.

Religion & his beliefs.  

I was agnostic, however, he was not.

He mentioned how strict his parents had been growing up. 

Marriage wasn’t a choice. It was a given.



The words lingered on my memory all night.

~

I was heavy for the remainder of the week.

I ignored his phone calls, texts.

He was going insane. 

This one voicemail ate me alive.

Of course, you’re a beautiful girl. I was foolish to think you’d even want me to begin with. Was it something I said the other night? Did I upset you? I’m truly sorry if I did. Mari. Whenever you’re ready, I’ll be here if you want to talk.

I’ll always be here.

Truth is, he was.

All these months, he stood there with open ears & his arms wide open, always smiling. Always. 

Loving me (even if he hadn’t said it) through the goods & bads. Catching me & filling me with so much hope & happiness.

He made me blossom the way I hadn’t before.

And yes, I wanted to talk to him. I wanted him. I wanted us. I wanted it. But I didn’t have much to say.

I didn’t want to love him this wildly.

I couldn’t.

Another night fell & I thought about my ex.

I knew he was having the time of his life.

Single.

Girls, booze & music. Right.

The thought pissed me off. 

I felt guilt even thinking about him, having Slavik giving me a chance at a new life. 

A new beginning.

~

Me: hey

S:

M: I haven’t called I know,I’m sorry. I…

S: it’s ok, I’m going to get you.

We’re on the highway towards an unfamiliar new city. I loved how much he loved exploring. 

As always, he pops my door, reaches for my hand and let’s me out.

We grab dessert at this contemporary dessert shop downtown and feed each other bites like morons.

We walk around for a bit and he proceeds to standing on a bench, declaring his infatuation with me to everyone near by.

I catch eyes and initially flush.

This man is out of his mind!

But well out of it, for me.


We’re on top of a building with a city’s worth view. 

He’s leaning against his car, grabs my waist and pulls me in while kissing me the way he’s never before.

I think his manners have slipped, but at this point I don’t care.

I kiss him back.

He’s hot and he loves me just as much as I love him but neither one of us dares says it.

I’m lucky.

Why can’t I just, commit?

For once? For him? For us?

He’s perfect.

For a minute you had me worried I’d lost you.

I wouldn’t forgive myself if I’d let you go. I want to give you something, so it’s always a little reminder.

He runs to the drivers side and slips a red box with a bow. It has an unusually small look in his manly hands.

He pulls the bow loose and takes out a necklace. 

And

A ring.

He’s standing in front of me, practically looking into my soul.

And even though he got a glance it, he stands firmly & unmoved. He’s devoted.

This. This is my reminder to you that I’ve wanted you the moment I laid my eyes on you. 

You’ve kept your feelings reserved. I know you have. But this is letting me express mine.

Whenever you’re ready, take the ring off the necklace and promise your finger with it.

I think he can see the terror streaking from my eyes.

Haha no Mari, I’m not proposing to you. At least not yet. 

I just want my reassurance that you’ll be mine at one point down our lives. You don’t even have to wear it, just keep it.

I want to keep your heart whole.

He squeezes my checks and we hop in the car.

Still. Nothing?

Mari, what’s up? Talk to me. I’m not good at guessing. 

I can’t face him so I keep my eyes on the road.

M: Just tired. Take me home now, please?

I hated hurting him. But I hated even more that I loved him.

Why now?

Precisely?

I’m barely 20. I need to enjoy this.

He’s 24. He wants this. 

Me? I cant offer anything right now. 

Everyone has made it clear that I’m not enough. Not good.

~

The days pass.

~

It’s 4am

My phone buzzes. Half asleep I roll over, thinking it can’t be Slavik. He has work tomorrow.

Me: hello

Him: Mari 

Why? Fucking why? 

I can recognize that voice among millions.

Him: I’m so sorry I was such a jerk last time we spoke. I’ve missed you. And your voice. I didn’t mean anything I said. Can I please stay the night & make things better? I have no where else to go. I love you.

M: Um. Yea. Just come now and I’ll leave the door unlocked. Just come up to my room. I love you.

Him: I love you. I’ll see you soon, gorgeous.

FUCKING SHIT I DID IT AGAIN! I couldn’t have hated myself more. 
The door cracks open, in all black he slips in.

I’m in bed with a loose t shirt and nothing else.

He comes over, his eyes full of hunger. When we’re done undressing each other,

He looks at me. I look at him.

Wondering where the hell we went wrong.

It’s been 5 years. Five.

I don’t know but my eyes start to water. I can’t think of Slavik.
 He starts kissing me starting at my eye lids down to my feet.

The rush is incredible. I know this scent far too well. 

We make love all night & wake up at 1 the following morning. 

I roll over and he’s there, still sleeping. 

I know he didn’t mean anything he said that one night on the phone, but it cut me. Deep.

He used to be so sweet. But I’ve changed him and I’m dealing with all the consequences. 

~

Weeks pass.

I can’t bring myself to let anyone close.

I’m confused.

~

3/15

Slavik. Can you meet me?

We arrange for lunch at Apple Bee’s, since he’s always loved it so much.
When I pull in, he’s already there.

And, again, I gasp just as hard as the first time I saw him. 

mmm wow. Yessir that’s all me. Woe baby you look great!

I fucked up.

I gave this up. I let it go. Fuck fuck fuck I’m an IDIOT.

I almost run back to my car and just leave. 

So I wouldn’t have to hurt him. So I wouldn’t have to see him.

M: Hey

I say as I dodge a kiss and peck him on the cheek instead.

We order.

Lunch is filled with him talking about his new job he starts in a week and how we gets to do what he loves. Excitement over powers his voice. 

He loves driving and now he’s gonna get to drive all over and everywhere in brand new foreign cars.

I faint a smile.

It relieves me knowing he’ll be far away. Always on the road, but it kills me because I know he’ll be thinking of me just the same.

M: I’m glad. You’re gonna have lots of fun. Me well, I’ll just stay in good ole Greenville and paint. Work. Same ole’

I smile again.

This time practically choking on my own words.

He traces my face.

Silly, I’ll be missing you. I’ll FaceTime you every night I’m not on the road, baby doll.

He covers the bill, leaving a generous tip.

He was always so amazingly good to everyone around him.
We hopin his car and hit the road again like the old days.

I look at him, again.

He looks back.

It feels just like the beginning.

He speaks to me in Russian and I reply in Spanish. 

We both look, you know,

Puzzled.

And we laugh.

We’re at another city’s worth view and we just sit there. Looking out the window.

I think he feels it.
We’re back at in the Apple Bee’s parking lot.

My stomach is turning and my throat is knotted. My head’s pounding and I die inside

Knowing this is the last time I could ever see him again. 

My eyes dampen and I hug him. 

I hug him for the longest that I can recall.

M: I’m sorry

He kisses me and he almost doesn’t have to know. But I let him know, anyway.

_______________________________
12/15

Well. 

Today, on the way to work, on 85, I pulled up next to a white Benz. 

I don’t think he wants to recognize me.

But I recognize every detail of him.

inspiration, love, Personal growth, poetry, relationships, Self-help, spirituality, Uncategorized

I almost dialed again tonight.
When I saw that shit,

I was on fire.

I dropped my sidelines for

Him

And he’s still digging himself a ditch

When you offered me a

Ring.

You’ll come around in a second life,

But not twice in one life.

And it stings.

It stings.

My eyes water while you’re scattered all over the map.

Working a job that allows you to travel,

Just to put distance between us.

I understand.
I knew you always had a problem loving yourself, and doubted what a great man you were.

You doubted because modern day men made you think you had to be a 

Certain way.

AND I FUCKING HATE

That you felt that way

When you were everything I ever wanted.

The sweetest I’d savor.

I hated that I never said it enough,

But you had no reason to second doubt yourself the way you did.

You. Were. Unrefined. Gold. 

And I tampered with you.
Oh god.

The look in your eyes the night you knew WE were over,

THIS was over.

I will never forget the way your stare screamed back at me asking all the questions

I couldn’t answer.

We said our goodbyes like we always did. 

As if everything were normal,

Even though they were far from it.

That was the last time I ever heard from you

And this guilt still consumes me whole.

I still have the option to act as if you were nothing special,

But my eyes betray me.

And whenever someone asks me about you,

I find myself flinching. Wondering. 
If I ever see you again,

I hope I can roll a simple hello off my tongue.

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What the fuck are you doing

And who the hell have you been spending your time with

Is she anything like me

Do you  even think of me

Have you forgot the way my lips tasted

Or the way your arms cinched my waist perfectly

I’m asking all these questions I don’t have the right to

Because I left unannounced
But can we try this again

I changed

And he’s gone

I’m yours

And I love the way your

Voice

Dances

In

My head

All day and all night
So can we please spiral down in the love we had

And rekindle it even

If you’ve been gone for months 

Belarus

love, poetry

My wrists have always been your lips tender point and they’ve grown weak without their heat 

I miss the way you swirled your tongue up my arms, up to my neck and down to my feet

I’ve never felt more belonging 

I felt as if every fiber in my body were alive and I was high on pure love

There was static to your touch

And the mere thought of you wanting me and only me sent shivers down my spine even from miles away

You took pleasure in pleasuring me and 

I. 

Liked. 

That.

Distance was never a thing to you even though you lived in a different town

You were resilient

A man of class and morals. It was raw and authentic
What drove me over my head were your intentions and how much of a gentlemen you were

They were never sexual

Always delicate and sweeter than honey 
But

I was never at ease

I tried to not make your arms home or your heart my sanctuary

I longed for you when I very least wanted to

All the pride in the world took storage between you and I even while close

You’d given me wonderful experiences and introduced me to traveling but my heart ached for him

I could never keep these demons settled
And so I vanished and so did you but 3 months later, it’s 3 am and I’m still wondering if you found someone more deserving to love all the while laying next to him

The Snake-ist

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But some nights I am not solid

I am a liquid

And my feelings

Spill

Every

Where.

I feel like you are here

Somewhere

In the room

And you hear me curse you

While

You

Call

Up

Your

New 

Girl

And tell her all the dirty things you couldn’t roll off your tongue for me.

It makes me sick,

How you knowing my self-esteem level still went on to dent it beyond measures.

It was selfish

For me to venture off into someone else’s eyes and trace their tenderness 

After begging you to stay

And to give me some spare moments

And to love me the way you did once.

There’s so much delicacy in thinking I, the virgin could even compare to any of those so called girls you’ve meet off your dirt cheap friends and standards.

And isn’t it so funny that

You remind me of a snake.

You slither wherever you fit, even if not permitted.

You raped my innocence and the bit of faith I had in making you happy.

But what better word to call you, than a snake-ist.
I craved every last curve of your letters that would drop my intimate wear,

But you wanted better.

And you were left hanging in the air.

cheek

love, marriage, Personal growth, poetry, relationships, Self-help

There was something in the way his words bit me and the way his ears begged to hear my unflattering voice.

He had tendencies of a guy who was in love with the wrong girl

But loved me so well

I felt her guilt

And carried those pieces from every museum to the next.

His smile was the ruling paradise, that radiated a cozy feeling.

I was left a fool for him

He was home

And my arms ached for him even when he walked in front of me, directing me to new parts or such.

It never stopped there.

He was so bright, and his hair clung freely from him, giving away his persona.

And the way he spoke, oh god, he had an answer to everything, with history and facts.

But there were a few things I selfishly kept in my obscene port.

He gave me the hots, and I wanted no part in his damn near perfect morals.

Or his damn perfect vocabulary.

The same one I tripped over many times before.
His aroma was of vanilla. 

And the way he loved me, well, it was on fire.

And it burned me.